Huh?

Some of you, the ones that sleep on your computers with your browser open to my blog so as not to miss one second of the thrills spilling from these pages, may recall a post I did a while back where I poked fun at some of the ridiculous search terms that have brought you, my sleepy, drooling reader, to my fancy world of fun and sexy shenanigans.  I check them out time and time again to see what I can find cause I love the crazy searches you people come up with.

Seriously.  Love.

So I decided to let you all take a peek at a mere smattering of what I get to see every time I cruise on over to the Google stats sector of my blog.

And I decided to mix it all up with some scantily clad ladies (and a few mens!) in the kitchen!  Cause that is just the best place to be!!

I think it’s safe to say that this is everybody in the world’s luckiest day ever!!!

fancy sex

sextuba

animal bac sex tub (does “bac” stand for bacon, I wonder?)

big sink for person

carol b sex (one of my personal favs.  I gaze into space and imagine someone attempting to text me “carol is sexy” but sadly accidentally using google and making a few typos)

punani club card

سكس tub (not sure what that first word is.  Anyone?  Hammer?)

butt xxx

vampire sex tub (can someone please tell me if this exists?)

wish sex ( 1976 )

animal sextub

getting crafty with carol (all freaking right!  I think we all know what that person was searching for!!)

not airplane xxx

freaky things to do in bed (I’d like to know that one too)

big black greasy ass (greasy is the key word here)

hypnotized women

indian sex tub

carols crafty pig (huh?)

So that’s about it.  I’m all out of stupid search terms and nudie kitchen shots – but I would like to share my thoughts on one more thing with you.  It’s this vintage layout that I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around – so I thought I’d throw it in here with the other “what the fuck” goings on and see if you have any thoughts to share.  

There are a few shots in this series…

the first of which some of you may recognize from this post…

very straightforward, run of the mill type of sexed-up photo.  I personally like it quite a bit.

And here we see a little more of the action….

But here’s where it starts to get weird…

The dude NEVER takes his sweater off!!

WTF?  Is he not dying in there?  Sweltering inside that relatively heavy, what appears to be, synthetic blend?  

I mean, the boots I can understand.  Those are some damn fine boots.  And don’t get me wrong.  I super dig the black and white check pattern on the sweater, and I get the whole aesthetic they were (I’m assuming) going for in the layout.  

But seriously, dude, you’re making me really uncomfortable.

Sex Tub/Sextub/Sex in Tub

I’m pretty much a lo-fi novice when it comes to this blogging stuff.  I’ve been doing this for somewhere over 2 years – but calculating is one of my weakest areas, so I’ll just leave that to the experts – and I am WAY still figuring it all out as I go.  Like, WAY.  I have, however, taken the time to check the “stats” on occasion (for those way more out-of-the-know than me it’s a place blogger takes you to and whispers in your ear all the things you want to hear about how many people are viewing your blog and what country they are from) and am usually filled with a jumble of feelings ranging from “cool!” to “who cares”, then back to “really?” and usually with a whole lot of “WTF?” thrown in.

There are a couple of very closely related areas of WTF in blogger stats that I’d like to take the time to address here.  I’ll start with the less obvious but most perplexing WTF to a lo-fi type like myself.

When you scroll all the way to the bottom of one of the stats pages that tells you where your traffic is coming from you get a list of search phrases that led some random schmo to your realm.  I’ve seen many a blogger poke fun at these search terms – cause they is usually pretty crazayzay (and btw that is the more obvious WTF that I am going to address next – just in case you were sitting there wringing your hands wondering what insanely ridiculous search terms have led unsuspecting saps to my little love trap/craft realm) so I get a kick out of reading them every once in a while.  But one day I decided to actually google one of the phrases myself to see where my blog actually stacked up.  I chose a pretty innocuous search – Jerry Lewis – cause I saw that someone got to me via that route and I did remember this fabulous pic I posted a long time ago of a children’s album that he did where on the cover it seriously looks like about to give a sugar dispenser the once over.  So I searched and searched and searched and….nothing.  After pages and pages of other crap I, Craftypants Carol, was nowhere to be found.  Even after going to an “images” search…nothing.  Then a “blogs” search….nothing.

So, my question is…WTF?  In what manner did this person get to my blog?  Is blogger lying to me?  Are those times viewed numbers and search terms I’m getting spoon fed a bunch of sweet talk to get me to take my top off?  What gives?

But some of those search terms just couldn’t be made up.  They are just too bizarre – and seemingly only make sense to one person on this entire planet.  The other day, someone reached out and touched my blog by typing in the words “gf sex 78.”  Yes, they did.  At least that’s what blogger told me.  It’s entirely possible that blogger thought that if I saw the search phrase “gf sex 78” I would rip all my clothes off – but I do not know that for sure.

What I would like to know is…what on my blog screams “gf sex 78?”  What?  What does it even mean?  I completely understand why some folks wind up here when they are looking for some “sex tub” 411 (although, again, I googled “sex tub” and got no Craftypants Carol anything.  nothing.) because I did do that New Year’s post with the really awesome spaghetti sex tub, so that does make sense.  And while we’re on the subject – there are A LOT of people out there looking for some sex tub info.  Not only is the spaghetti sex tub post one of my all time most hit upon posts, but there is always some form of sex tub, sextub, sex in a tub search that someone has done every single time I check the search terms area.  And btw – what IS a sex tub?  I couldn’t find one.  And I looked.  Maybe that’s why there are so many sex tub/sextub searches – cause the people are not getting what they want. And apparently they want sex tubs.

I did notice, however, during my sex tub search, that there is a thing called sex tube – where I’m guessing you can watch pornos on a small, you tube sized screen.  And it makes me sad to think that that is what these people are really after, cause that means that a whole lot of people don’t know how to spell tube.  I prefer to imagine them searching for some sexy 70s tub related photos like these – and that they are pleasantly surprised when they stumble upon my spaghetti sex tub New Year’s post.

Another really really interesting search term I noticed recently was “happily offering every one sex.”  I would really like to know what that person was looking for.  Were they searching for a person who would happily offer everyone sex?  Like a personals ad?  Or was it a specific movie?  Or a photo?  Although I don’t really know how one could convey those exact sentiments in a photo.  Unless it was a photo of a person wearing a t-shirt that says “I happily offer everyone sex.”  Or maybe a photo of one of those olde timey cigarette girls with a box – only there’s nothing in the box – and she’s naked.  That might get the point across.

And apparently a naked woman eating spaghetti gets someone going – cause my blog was visited by someone looking for that EXACT thing.  Go figure.  I just realized that I have two entire posts with naked women and spaghetti.  Interesting.  I have been meaning to do some food/sex or food/nakedness posts for a while now.  I’m gonna have to get on that.  Maybe make it a regular feature (which by the looks of things means once a year).

So what have I learned from all of this?  What of value can be taken away from all this sex tub rambling?  I think we all know the answer to that question.  Sex tubs RULE!!!!!!!

Everyone into the sex tub!!!!

Most Awesome Sex Tub Ever