Ok – I’m gonna be up front with you all right now and just tell you straight up that this movie sucks.  It’s boring, has bad CGI (see below), has an actress I don’t particularly like (see below), rips off tons of movies that did it all better and is just plain stupid.

So why?  Why am I forcing you look at pictures of a stupid movie when you and I and everyone else know that your Netflix queue is hovering around 400 movies that, let’s face it, you will probably never watch (oh wait, that’s me), let alone a stupid, not very scary horror movie?  Cause a) it’s got a freaking cool house with b) a good kitchen and c) a cellar WITH a visible canning jar and d) a really really cool shower (really) and, finally, e) this funky alcove thing that I have never seen before, oh and finally, finally, I’m showing you this so you, my fragile reader, won’t have to take the time out of your busy schedule and watch it yourself.  I have saved you from watching this movie, and for that I deserve a metal made out of canned frosting!

So come with me and check out the pretty freaking cool house in this really, very sub par movie!

Let’s start in the usual fashion and look at the front.  This first one is a daytime shot.

Imdb says that this movie was filmed in the Czech Republic – so I guess that means that’s where this house is.  But, kinda like the Salem’s Lot house (and actually, as I found out from a commenter, the  mother flipping awesome cellar from the house in The Collector), this seems like it might be the exterior of a house with maybe some or all of the rooms from the original house, but the cellar (and maybe the other rooms as well, who knows) looks like a sound stage or something.  See?

It’s cool, but it looks kinda fakey.  Esp since they never really veer off to the right where there are clearly supposed to be passageways of some sort.  I mean, if they really wanted to make a cool horror movie they should have veered off into those passageways.  But my gut tells me there really aren’t passageways there.  Plus the clutter is all sort of neatly piled around.  Fake.

So I skipped ahead a bit with that cellar shot.  I’ll go back to the front again real quick and then we can go from the ground up.

So, here’s the front of the house at night.  Much more atmosphere.

In fact, there’s a bit too much atmosphere in this movie if you ask me.  And not real atmosphere either.  Just murkiness that kinda gives this atmospheric look – but it’s majorly lacking in feel.  It has so much try-hard atmosphere that I had to do a lot of lightening up in photoshoppe and some of the grabs look kinda funny.  I’ll let you know when we get to those.

Here’s the house at night with some fog and finials and whatnot.

Ok so here is the front door from the outside.  And as per usual this is an old house with lots and lots of cool old carved wood and molding and stuff.

Like on the front door.

And check out the size of these doors, by the way.  Freaking HUGE.

Ok – I know I said we would go downstairs first – but I changed my mind.   Let’s just wander around on this main floor first.  There’s a lot of cool window action in this movie. Rounded top windows at the entrance up there, in the living room…

and on the landing before you get up to the second floor…

but don’t go upatairs YET!  There’s some shit on that main floor that will blow your mind!

So, here we are looking into the main entry area – I don’t really know what you would call it.  It’s not a living room – it’s more a room that other rooms (and stairs) come off of.  It’s like a foyer, only really really big and cool.  If this were my house I’d probably be hanging out here a whole lot.

See, where this guy is headed is to the right into the living room.  The kitchen is off through a door to the left, straight ahead is the stairway that goes upstairs, and…what’s this on the left?  Ok WHAT IS IT?  I freaking love this thing!

If I had made this movie I would have shot the whole damn thing – or most of it anyway – in that alcove under the landing.  Seriously, why is this not used more in the movie – or in houses in general.  It’s so freaking cool!  It’s like having a little fort in your house.  Oh, and all those shots up there with the white blotches that look like they are sick are the ones I lightened up to the extreme to show the detail.  It’s a fine line between murkiness and no detail and bleached out and no detail.  That sliver of a middle part is where the most detail is and while I’m not sure whether I achieved my goal or not, I can at least I can say that there is some alcove visibility.

Off to the left of the alcove is the entry to the kitchen.  It’s a nice kitchen – nothing too amazing – but I like it.

Good antique cupboard action.  I always approve of that.

So, in the alcove there are three (3) doors.  But only one (1) is used in the movie.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!?!?  Are the people who made this movie INSANE?  Did they really think people would just be all – “Oh there’s some doors WITH LIGHTS ON behind them.”…

and not be clawing their computer screens to know what was behind those doors?  WTF people.  If you’re gonna make a movie do it right.  Show us the cool shit!

And stop doing this…

So as you can see up there in the last alcove pic the only door that is utilized is the one that allegedly goes to the cellar.  To be honest, even the stone wall at the cellar entrance looks kinda fake to me – but we’ll ignore it cause if we don’t we might as well give ourselves a collective lobotomy for all the stupid shit we pretend not to notice in life.

So, let’s go down to the cellar cause I know you know what’s down there!

A canning jar!!!  They only show one – but who cares!  It’s a jar!

Here’s another view!

And it even has a decorative cloth cover.  That’s a nice touch!  She seems genuinely happy to be holding that jar, and I don’t blame her one bit.  That’s the actress I mentioned earlier that I don’t care for.  I’m not gonna write here name here cause I don’t want her to google herself and see my stellar blog post about the crappy movie she’s in.  I try to be sensitive to the plight of others.  So, if you’re so interested you look her up.

Ok – back upstairs.

Let’s finish off the main floor with the woodwork in the living room.

Very nice.  And nice wallpaper and glass inside and around the doors.  I highly approve of that!

Now upstairs…

Here’s a shot at top of the stairs on the landing mostly just to show these wall sconces.  They are all over the place in this movie.

Here…

and in the alcove…

and in the shot of the living room windows that I already showed you but will show you again cause I’m so nice…

and in the upstairs room that is used as an office…

I really like those wall sconces.  I had on in my bedroom above my bed when I was a kid.  It was that milk glass kind that had a flower painted on it and I had to stand up in bed to turn it off.

Lots of cool furniture in the office too…

The master bedroom is also on this floor…

Now you don’t see that everyday.  Not something I particularly like – but it’s architecturally interesting anyway.

So, now…the real reason I got you all here…the thing I like best in this whole house is….see, I watched this movie about 6 months or so ago and turned it off about halfway through cause I was bored and embarrassed for whoever made it cause it was just so not good.  But I couldn’t get this one thing out of my mind (besides the alcove, that is).  It’s this freaking shower.

I’m really sorry to say that I only have this one shot.  The shower scene is so fast and this is really the only good angle and it makes me sad – cause along with filming most of the movie in the alcove, if it were up to me, the rest of the movie would have been shot in this shower.   I want a shower like this soooo bad now.  God, now I want to go back to this stupid movie AGAIN so I can see if I can get a shot of another angle of this shower.  I love it that much.  So, call me crazy (I know it won’t be the first time) but I watched this movie the second time just so I could see this shower again (and so I could show it to you!).  And, no, there were no boobs to be seen during the shower scene.  I’ll try an lift all our spirits about that towards the end of the post.  I think I should make that a regular thing now.  If there is no nudity in the movie, I will do my best to provide it at the end of my post.  Why the hell not?  That’s my motto!

Ok – moving on.  We’ve seen pretty much everything.  Here’s a shot of the long driveway which I dig for jogging purposes as well and the visible seclusion.

So, in the end we say goodbye to the big house.

Goodbye house.

That arrow is pointing to the people who made it out of the house just in time.  Aren’t they small!

Whew.  Now that that’s over we can move on.  And as I said last time

Beware…Here comes some PG, R and X rated nakedness!

How about some nice bathing shots to round out the shower hysteria.

 Ok – there you have it!  A little something for everyone!  Some boobs, a wiener and some weird shit. 

Alright!

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