Welcome to the third installment of Craftypants Carol’s dream home of horror fantasy world.  My first two dream home entries were sort of straddling the thiller/mystery fence, so I wanted to leap right over to pure, unadulterated horror.

For some reason The Amityville Horror (1979 version, of course) has always given me the creeps.   There is something about it that always sort of makes me filled with dread and also makes me glad I’m not home alone in a huge creepy house after I’m done watching it.  I usually only watch it around Halloween – when it’s on TV – but now I have my very own copy and can get my creepy on any time I want.  The funny thing is though, is there are some pretty silly goings on in this movie that aren’t very scary at all.  I mean – oooh the PHONE burned my HAND!  How scary.  Actually, if I was one of those religious types this movie would probably scare the shit out of me.  I mean, that priest gets TROUNCED on.  I mean he gets covered in flies, he gets sick for days, gets his hand burned by the phone, he gets yelled at by the devil AND by his boss (and told to sit down – how humiliating), he can’t get a phone call to go through to save his life, he crashes in a car, he goes blind and winds up sort of a vegetable.  It’s like the devil did one of those football moves where he was at the end zone and did the butt dance and spiked the football – all right on top of the priest!  I mean was god like reading a newspaper while all this was going on?  If anyone deserves to get a little protection it should be one of these guys.  This is exactly why little kids lay in bed at night scared out of their wits.  They’re all – if god didn’t help the good priest then I’m sure as hell not gonna get any favors.

I’ve actually come to the conclusion that there are 2 main reasons this particular movie creeps me out without fail – and neither one has anything to do with the priest.  The main one is the little girl “la la la” music in the background of most of the scenes.  Creepy little girl singing is a surefire creepy tactic, as far as I am concerned.  The other reason, and it’s no small reason, is this…

No matter how many times I see this movie this lady creeps me out big time.  In fact I really missed the boat twice with this lady recently.  I should have included her in both my Top 10 Willy Inducing Moments post AND the creepy lady faces post I did over at Kindertrauma.  There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can top a creepy lady face other than the wrong voice coming out of someone!  This is an incredibly creepy tactic that has been used in everything from The Bionic Woman (with the fembots) to The Exorcist – and thousands of TV movies and whatnot in between – and it never fails to get to me.  Whether it’s a man talking in a woman’s voice or a grown up talking in a little kid voice or in this instance a very normal looking woman talking in…ok, actually if anyone can tell me who’s voice she is talking in I would appreciate it.  Cause a few minutes after this scene Margot Kidder is talking to James Brolin and she says  something like “you know who’s voice that was don’t you?”  And I am always all  WHO?!?!  The priest?  The devil?  The real estate agent?  Who?

James Brolin gets pretty progressively scary in this movie too.  I loves me some James Brolin.

Ok – back to the issue at hand – the house.  Now, this was touted as the #1 fave house of Uncle Lancifer of Kindertrauma on his dream horror home top 10, and I do agree in some aspects.  But for two very important reasons that I will point out, this house falls much lower on my list.

Let’s start with the good points.  The kitchen is so freaking cool!

The glass cabinet doors, the built in thingy, the post that sticks right up in the middle – all very very cool stuff.  It took me a while to figure out what the hell that cord was – but I think it’s for the light over the table.  A little on the makeshift/make-do/who-gives-a-fuck-it’s-my-house side – and I like it!  Here’s another view where you can see the nook – which could easily accommodate a booth, if you ask me.

And I can totally see myself doing dishes or canning some peaches while gazing out these windows.

Another part I really really like is the room at the top of the house – the one with the famous windows – and the stairway that comes right up into the landing.  I just love that!

The living room is very nice too – with the built-ins and the green color scheme.

Which actually brings me to a crucial element – the fabulously retro wallpaper!

                          Living Room                                                       Kitchen                                                    Hallway

There’s also tons of closet space…

And a very cool porch/balcony thing…

And last but not least…an awesome cellar.

The problem is, I would never be able to go down there.  I could not, no matter what, live in a house with a hole in the cellar that is the gateway to hell.  And I don’t care how many walls you put up or how many coats of paint you use or how many false floors you put over it – I would know!  I honestly don’t know how they expect to sell the damn thing ever – unless it’s to some poor sap who doesn’t know.  But I saw the movie.  I know!

ALSO – the house is very unfortunately positioned on a street.  So even though it’s on a lake and has it’s own boathouse, you still might get nosy neighbors skulking around right outside the house – since it’s right on the freaking street.  No thanks.

According to wikiwiki:

In May 2010, the house was placed on the market with an asking price of $1.15 million. In August 2010, the house was sold to a local resident for $950,000. On August 21, 2010, the departing owner held a moving sale at the house, and hundreds of people turned up for the event. They were allowed to go inside the house, but not to visit the upstairs rooms or the basement.

They couldn’t go in the basement cause they didn’t want anyone to fall into the HELL HOLE!

So the main points here are:

1. Big, cool, amazing kitchen
2. fab wallpaper
3. lots of character/closet space
4. balcony
5. lake!
6. awesome cellar – but with hell hole
7. right on street

I’d have to say, although I have no numerical system thus far, that this would be one of the lower ranking dream homes.

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